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Jan. 24th, 2012

For every one good day there's seven that follow.

I feel like I'll never be back to my normal self. I feel like the tears will never stop. Everything is going fine. I have more than most people. I have a loving family a boyfriend who treats me right a beautiful daughter and a son on the way, yet everything still feels so broken. I feel like the only reason I'm here is because I can't stand to think of Arriana saying mii mii and no one answering. If there was a god he wouldn't let a person suffer as much as I do.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Dec. 8th, 2011

I wake up in teardrops they fall down like rain.

I hate feeling like this. I can pretty much tell what kind of day it's going to be within the first couple minutes of being awake and well here we go again. Maybe I feel so miserable because I'm pregnant or maybe I'm just legitimately miserable.
you get to be happy and do what you want to do while you watch me grow more and more miserable as the days go on. You watch me cry you hear me begging for attention but yet you just do nothing to fix it do nothing to make me feel worth of life because you don't benefit from it. I've never felt more alone with someone sitting next to me as I do sitting next to you. I just want you to love me like you used to. Everything I do I do it because of you because I love you more than words can ever describe
I hate holidays especially Christmas. This year is going to be the hardest its going to be Arriana's second Christmas and it would've been the other baby's first Christmas. It's so hard to think that there would've been another baby here right now and he or she would've been going on three months old now. No one else thinks about it no one else realizes the damage it's done. Every single day I think about what I could have done differently or just why me what did I do so horrible to deserve something like that? Crackheads can have seventy five babies so I must be broken. Sometimes I sit and wish I wouldve just let myself bleed out instead of going to the hospital because then maybe I wouldn't be here now to have to deal. With the pain i live with everyday now.
I just wish you would listen.
It's horrible when you take a shower just so no one sees you cry and for ten minutes the pain can just be let out.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Dec. 7th, 2011

the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I ever had.

I wish I remembered what it felt like to feel carefree and happy, to lay in bed and not want to go to sleep because reality was better than dreaming. I wish I remembered what it was like not to feel alone, and broken. I wish I remembered what it felt like to be needed and like my presense was actually desired.
I just wish I could turn back the hands of time and fix whatever it is that made my life this broken, whatever it is that makes me feel so dead inside. When I cry, I'm called a crybaby,when I talk about how I feel I'm just starting a fight and being a bitch. I guess that's why I just try not to even bother with talking about how I feel because I'm just a sissy, a crybaby, and I just need to get over things and move on. Because there's nothing I can do now to fix what's already been done. I'm the bad person for caring, I'm the bad person for having feelings, I'm the bad person for being hurt.
I remember there was a time when I was everything, when I came before anyone or anything, when I was your queen and now I just feel like that girl, like I'm not good enough, like I don't even matter half the time. I would do anything for you at any given time, and in return I'm left feeling like nothing. I don't know why I put myself through all of this. Maybe I should have thought over things more. Maybe I should've just left. It's impossible not to care when the same things are being replayed in my head time and time again. The day the baby is born is just another day and Just leave you're the one who chooses to stay. I wish it was that easy to just leave and not feel so stuck.
I still think about the miscarriage everyday and still everyday I believe it was my fault. Even though they say it wasn't that things just happen, I can't help but feel like it was me. It's a horrible feeling, and to be told to just get over it, once again I wish it was that easy.
I wish everything was easier, there are so many factors in this broken feeling, in this empty feeling, in this alone feeling, and the fact is I am alone. I'm with someone who doesn't even want to be with me. I have a child who loves everyone else in her life more than me, I just feel like I'm not that big of a deal to anyone or not that big of a factor in anyone's life.
I just wish I knew things would get easier, but as the days go on they get worse and worse, and I feel less and less alive inside.
Honestly, I feel like the only reason I'm here is because I'm too afraid of what would happen to Arriana. I just wish I could wake up from this horrible dream I'm having and have everything be back to the way they were.

Sep. 19th, 2011

and here we go again.

I've started so many journals, written and online, and none of them really ever seem to get that far, and its not like anyone ever even reads them. So here goes nothing, let's see how far this one will get me.

People may think I'm crazy for wanting to have another baby, or that I'm not ready for another one, but I need to fill this gap that's inside me. Yea Pernell may not be the greatest person at times, and yea he makes me mad beyond belief, but I know he loves me, and I know 100% he would do anything in the world for me. It's just a shame that everyone in his life hates me, and thinks we don't belong together for this reason or that reason. Maybe one day everyone will see that we need each other, we balance each other out, and most importantly, we do love each other incredibly much.
I sit and think back to February/March when everything was still good. We rarely fought, we couldn't get enough of each other, and everything really was just perfect. We were going to complete the family we had, Arriana was going to be a big sister, and we were going to have a baby together because we actually loved each other. Yea the timing wasn't really that great, but we were both excited, even if the rest of the world wasn't. Then it happened, the miscarriage. There was so much blood. There was so much panic. everything was just falling apart, in the matter of minutes, but I didn't know we would too. Noone understands why I still cry about it, why I still can't talk about it, why it hurt so incredibly horribly. The miscarriage really just put a strain on my life, and it just made me feel like a failure as a mother, as a girlfriend, and as a woman. I just had this empty feeling inside, even though they said it had nothing to do with anything I did, that these things just happen, I couldn't help but feel like it was something I did, like something was wrong with me.
Having this baby will fill that hole, will help me feel like its not me, that there isn't anything wrong with me. I know it'll help me, I won't be so down on myself, and me not being so down on myself all the time, will help our relationship. I just wish someone understood. I'm just so tired of feeling broken.
2/19/12, I can't wait. <3